A New Year ....

It’s only a few days away now …
And this time I’m not counting the days for it, having my usual optimistic rosy glasses on.
Somehow I have the feeling 2008 won’t be anything but another disappointment…

These days this phrase from “ Ann of Green Gables “ is always echoing in my head :
“ My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes …. “

Maybe coz, with every new year’s eve. I used to pray to God at midnight to make it a better one ..
I always expected that in some magical way all my hopes will come to life in the approaching year ..
I would be in a better mood ... I would put more serious effort into my postgraduate studies ........ I would meet my significant other , the real thing .. the Prince not another frog …

The new year always disappointed me .. yet I always waited for the one to come with high hopes …


And maybe coz it’s the first time without Mama … just as I didn’t feel the joy of this Ramadan or the two feasts …
life simply just lost its taste ...
Nothing seems enjoyable anymore.........

Almost seven months now ….
I still can’t say her name without tears …
I’m still unable to add the word “ was ..” when I talk about her ..

2007 took away my comfort , gave me the deepest pain and the greatest sorrow of my whole life ..
I pray for 2008 to have the power to ease it ..... just a little bit.

Years go by ....

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that counts. It's the life in your years....

Don't give up ....

Not always fall of leaf,

nor ever Spring;Not endless night, yet not eternal day;

The saddest birds a season find to sing;

The roughest storm a calm may soon allay.

Thus, with succeeding turns God tempereth all,

That man may hope to rise, yet fear to fall.

- Robert Frost -

Mercy ...

Life never fails to surprise me …

On my way to work today, I had a lot on my mind .. busy days ahead , lots of reports I gotta prepare, couple of meetings I better attend ..

And as our new genius governor decided , the renewed pavements are freakishly high , as if old people and little kids don’t live in Alexandria in his age …
Anyway I was pretty much absent-minded and in high heels and on the next second I tripped and almost fell if it weren’t for that nice old lady who practically ran to hold me in her arms so I don’t fall to the ground.
How kind and caring she was when she did it ,simply got me puzzled …
And then she started to ask me several times if I was sure I’m ok and not hurt , and if I’m not dizzy or anything. And she – so motherly – asked me to stand still for a minuet before I keep on walking to the office to make sure I got breath back to normal.

Just when I started to believe life is so dark, and people are devils in disguise .. an occurrence like that crosses my way and everything changes …..
As little as it was it affected me big time …
A very sincere heartfelt act of kindness from a total stranger …
I guess it’s not entirely hopeless yet if we still have compassion in our hearts for one another ….

“ God mercy his slaves who are merciful “
- Prophet Mohammed PBUH -

Helping ...

" What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? "

- George Eliot -

Failure to launch ...

God !! ...... Life would be so much easier if I had the source code !!

And now ....

" Everything has been figured out, except how to live. "

- Jean Paul Sartre -

I miss you .....

When I think of all the times I was too busy with my little silly things to give you enough attention .. Just because I always thought we still have all the time in the world together..

I never thought the day would come when I wake up or come home and you’re not there ….
Or need to talk to you and you’re not able to listen anymore..
Break my good news to you, so you can give me your smile and prayers of all the happiness .. Or when I come home sad or mad and complaining and you comfort me with your great words and spirit ..

I can’t imagine that you won’t be there to witness my breakthroughs that you have always dreamt of ..

How stupid was I to miss all the time I could’ve spent with you, the million things I planned to ask and learn from you that I kept postponing coz I always thought we’ll have plenty of time later on ..

How cruel was I to just keep fidgeting around when you talk about your little daily events or old days memories and I’m just thinking “ that’s boring!! “

Now when I look back and think of all the things you did for me, all the rest you gave up so I can get mine, all the pretty things you made for just a smile from me .. a smile that I usually gave you with a “ but …. “
All the good you denied yourself to give me the very best of everything …

When I remember all that I can’t stop my running tears, and I can only pray to God to make it up to you and reward you with heaven and everlasting happiness, the happiness that I don’t know anyone who deserves it more than you do…

Mommy, I really miss you ……
I am sorry for everything, for everytime I made you sad or worried or was just too stuborn to understand that you only wanted the best for me ..

And I’m sorry to tell you that I’m no longer that strong person you were so proud of, I discovered that I was only powerful coz I had you .. Now I turned back into that little helpless baby you once took care of, but this time you’re not here for me ……

Note to self :

First Love is the triumph of Imagination over Intelligence ..
And the Second trial is the triumph of Hope over Experience ....

" Beware of the sea of Hopes "
- Prophet Mohamed ( PBUH ) -

Depth Of Love

Love is not just finding the right person
but creating the right relationship ...

It is not how much love we have in the beginning
but how much love we build and keep until the end ..