Words ......

" I missed you today ..... "

he used to wisper every day on our first call after work ..
and ..
I used to believe him ....

A long lost memory ....

The weirdest thing has happened to me this morning ..
On my way to work I sow this guy .. who had the exact eyes of my ex-fiancée
!!!!!

I got frozen to my spot and as I was shielded behind my sun glasses, I couldn't stop staring at him ..

and I almost cried ......
It all came back to me .. as it was never gone ..

I thought I forgot already ..
It's been more than three years now, and definitely I'm not even a little bit sorry I left him ..

The problem is , I just miss who I was back then ..
The simple dreamy optimistic girl I used to be ..
I miss how I used to feel ..
How happy and thrilled I was ..
In love for the first - and only - time in my life ..
Loving life to its tiniest detail ..

No one's ever understood how deep was his effect on my feelings – not even him I guess – it was really strange and inexplicable, how he managed - in just couple of weeks - to occupy my every thought , control my every heart beat and be the very center of my whole world ..

In couple of more weeks I found out what a jerk he was, broke up with him and most importantly broke my own heart irreparably..

Turned into a shaken tense skeptical shadow of my old self ..
Tortured every guy who was foolish enough to dare and approach me afterwards, just because I'm too afraid ..

All of a sudden he came into my life, all of a sudden he left and all of a sudden a tiny occurrence made me relive it all over again ..

God .... I can't believe what an idiot I am !!

My first concert ..

I managed to finally fulfill one of my little dreams, to attend a concert of one of my favorite musicians ..
I always planned to go whenever Mounir is having an even in Alexandria, but for some reason or the other this never actually happened ..

Like 10 days ago I received a notification on my Facebook from Wagih Aziz stating that he will be having a concert in Alexandria's library on March 28th
Luckily, my brother was nearby , so I called to inform him of this and ask him to book tickets ..

It was an awesome experience .. truly marvelous ..
I love Wagih's music and choices of lyrics .. every single song of his is just extraordinary ..
I've became familiar with his work since only one year ago , but it simply fascinated me ..

I can't even begin to describe the state of mind this concert put me in, not only while it lasted but for days after ..

To share that amazing atmosphere with you ; I tried to upload a video of the ones I tapped but my files were too big, so maybe the best way is to play this song which was one of the most that really touched me when I first heard it from Wagih on the concert ..

The song you'll listen to is from it's original sound track, not the live one .. even though the live were so much nicer ..

enjoy .. and do tell me if you liked it ..

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.

Terrified ....

It was my best friend's birthday .. I left work a bit early, bought her a cake then went to her house where we're supposed to wait for the rest of our friends to celebrate it .. we never actually make a party .. just that we get together , talk and have some laughs ..

We were waiting when we heard her upstairs neighbor at the door talking to her mom and sobbing .. ears dropping told us that it was something about her daughter !!
The thing was that she called her daughter at work to find a man answering the mobile phone, told her that he is a police officer and that her daughter was attacked by someone who hit her at her office and that she was taken to the hospital.
The lady was hysterically crying , saying all the time that her daughter is killed and she is certain as this is what it feels in her heart especially that her son refused to take her to the hospital to see her...
that she called too many times today as if she were paying her goodbye ..

For almost two hours we kept assuring her that the girl is fine or else she wouldn't be taken to a hospital, begged her to stop repeating the death word and pray for her instead .. she prayed and so did we one by one ..
Just when I finished my prayers I went back to sit by her side telling her how I felt comfort fell my heart to replace anxiety as I prayed for her and that I'm now sure she is fine ..
And that's when the bell rang .. it was the girl's cousin .. she told us that the girl was dead since she was found !!

I broke down .. I swear I was never as frightened in my life ..
I realize that these things do happen .. but we only read about them in the news .. never in real day- to-day life .. never that close ..
four days have passed so far, the police still didn't know who did this or why ..

I've never met the girl, and it was my first time to meet her mom ..
But I lived the whole situation .. heard her speak of her daughter and how close they are and remembered my own mom .. thanked God he spared her such a tragedy .. finally sensed the blessing that was in the fact that she went first ..

I never feel safe anymore .. I'm scared of everything and everyone ..
I can barely get any sleep ..
Can't stop thinking of death and how I'm so far from being prepared for it ..
Millions of ideas that I can't fight off that leave me stressed and restless

My Merciful God .. this horrible world is way beyond my powers .. it's too much for me ..
Please protect my beloveds and me and keep us safe
And forgive the poor girl and mercy her and cast patience on her mother ..

My Valentine ...

I’ve never liked February, probably because of the whole valentine festival, I never had a valentine and I always hoped that next year is gonna be the one ..
which never happen so far ..

On the 14th I was as usual feeling low, besides that I woke up feeling dizzy, my flue was getting worse , so I decided to take the day off and stay home .
And that night I congratulated myself for escaping to watch the reddish parades filling the streets ..

Next day I had a visit from my aunt and cousin ..
My 11 years old niece was there as well, and she brought me a little valentine's gift ...
She took it the same way Mostafa Amin did, as a day for love, that a one should celebrate by giving a gift to someone they love most ..
And so she choose me ..

I was truly and deeply touched .. it changed my mood 180 degrees around and of course I didn’t bother to correct her or explain the difference between valentine and the Egyptian love day :-)

Reminder :

Remember that, not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

At the Book Fair ....

Ever since I learnt to read as a child .. I never stopped..
Books mean too much to me .. it literally makes my day to get a new book ..
So you can imagine what a book fair would mean to someone like me ..

A fancy feast when you’re starving .. a fabulously cozy couch when you’ve been running for hours .. lots of toys to a really lonely child ..

Anyway, back to the fair, it was my first time to visit the one in Cairo ..
I never missed it in Alex though, I used to go with my dad as a child then with a friend as I grew up ..
But to visit Cairo .. Well it takes at least four hours on the road back and forth in the fastest train, and the problem always was who would be willing to put so much time and effort just to buy books ..?
Almost none of my friends likes to read .. So asking them to a book fair in Cairo is a lot similar to a trip to Afghanistan ..

But this year I truly wanted to be there ..
I only had my brother to ask .. Luckily he is practically my twin .. he loves reading too.. so his only protest was that it will take the whole day and he’s very busy ..
But he agreed in the end ..

I was waiting for the issuance of many books, that I knew it would be much easier to find in the fair than wandering all over the libraries in Alexandria ..
But most of all wanted to be at the book signing of Bride’s book and Rehab’s ..
I managed to and that was amazing ..

I was deeply happy for them and it felt great to meet someone you read to in person .. and – of course - to have my copy signed by the author .. I was also very happy that Ghada immediately remembered my name when I introduced myself and wished her luck ..

I bought lots and lots of book that practically broke my back to carry, not mentioning my poor brothers who was so tired that he made me promise I won’t ask him to take me again till at least 2015 ..

Finally we went home with our treasures that I couldn’t wait for our arrival to start exploring .. and I started reading the minuet we steeped foot in the train while he fell a sleep when I was saying “ Thanks and I’m sorry … “

Of the so-called Sensitivity ….

I always thought the word reefers to someone who gets more affected by his\her surroundings than others do ..

I’ve also always known for a fact that this – naturally – causes this person to be usually unhappy ..
Well; speaking from my own corner I know that being a sensitive person caused me to be always at extreme in my emotions ..
Small tiny things can make me crazily happy , but also small things can leave me really hurt and sad ..
So far that’s no news .. many people know that and are like that so what else is new ?

The news came through this book I recently read by one of my favorite authors, he was talking casually - and cynically - about sensitivity, specifically in girls .. and he drew my attention to a totally different angle to consider it ..
He thinks being sensitive means – mostly – that you’re selfish and self centered …!!

As shocked as I was, I cannot deny that his words are partially true ..
If you think about it, you gotta be truly and dedicatedly focused on YOU to suffer the sensitivity symptoms ..
I mean, yeah you’re mainly focused on what makes you sad, what makes you happy, how people just don’t get you, and how sometimes it seems that the whole world is out to get you...

I admit that it’s true .. yes sensitive people get that kind of feelings every now and then .. I always thought it means that a sensitive person simply just feels deeper than the others .. things somehow get beyond your skin ..
I never thought that this could be translated to some sort of egoism in some people’s dictionary ..
Coz, yes surly it involves a lot of You but what happens to others affect you as much ..


Just think of those countless times when tears came to your eyes over a friend’s suffering that you cannot ease ... compassion for others who are less fortunate than you are or the joy that would fill your heart seeing a child who smiles or the comfort you brought someone.

I admit that perhaps this is self-centered, but I don’t think it’s selfish ..

Well, I guess I understand now why this guy I once knew used to complain that I’m “ super sensitive “ … now I know what he really meant to say ......

My Sun ...

I just hate the weather these days ..
it’s always cloudy, windy and terribly cold .. which is really depressing ..
Somehow it feels and smells ... sad, real sad

I remember when I was a child, the winter was usually warm, even in the rainy days .. it was never as freezing as it gets now.

I love the rain though .. I love how the air smells then, I love the little drops washing everything clean ..
Love how the trees look brightly greener afterwards .. love the rainbows ..
And most of all love when the sun comes out again ....

Love the million little colored balls of light that fill my eyes when I look up to watch it ...

These days the sun comes out for just moments , shy as if it was merely checking us up , then it disappears again ..
And in these rare moments .. I actually have to fight to stay put ..
I just wanna drop whatever it is I’m doing and go out .. in the open and enjoy it ..
Let it take all the cold out of my body and heart ... make me worm inside out ..

So .. here is to my good shiny friend “ The Sun “ ...
I open up my curtains everyday to greet you ..
Please come visit more often ..

A New Year ....

It’s only a few days away now …
And this time I’m not counting the days for it, having my usual optimistic rosy glasses on.
Somehow I have the feeling 2008 won’t be anything but another disappointment…

These days this phrase from “ Ann of Green Gables “ is always echoing in my head :
“ My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes …. “

Maybe coz, with every new year’s eve. I used to pray to God at midnight to make it a better one ..
I always expected that in some magical way all my hopes will come to life in the approaching year ..
I would be in a better mood ... I would put more serious effort into my postgraduate studies ........ I would meet my significant other , the real thing .. the Prince not another frog …

The new year always disappointed me .. yet I always waited for the one to come with high hopes …


And maybe coz it’s the first time without Mama … just as I didn’t feel the joy of this Ramadan or the two feasts …
life simply just lost its taste ...
Nothing seems enjoyable anymore.........

Almost seven months now ….
I still can’t say her name without tears …
I’m still unable to add the word “ was ..” when I talk about her ..

2007 took away my comfort , gave me the deepest pain and the greatest sorrow of my whole life ..
I pray for 2008 to have the power to ease it ..... just a little bit.