A New Year ....

It’s only a few days away now …
And this time I’m not counting the days for it, having my usual optimistic rosy glasses on.
Somehow I have the feeling 2008 won’t be anything but another disappointment…

These days this phrase from “ Ann of Green Gables “ is always echoing in my head :
“ My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes …. “

Maybe coz, with every new year’s eve. I used to pray to God at midnight to make it a better one ..
I always expected that in some magical way all my hopes will come to life in the approaching year ..
I would be in a better mood ... I would put more serious effort into my postgraduate studies ........ I would meet my significant other , the real thing .. the Prince not another frog …

The new year always disappointed me .. yet I always waited for the one to come with high hopes …


And maybe coz it’s the first time without Mama … just as I didn’t feel the joy of this Ramadan or the two feasts …
life simply just lost its taste ...
Nothing seems enjoyable anymore.........

Almost seven months now ….
I still can’t say her name without tears …
I’m still unable to add the word “ was ..” when I talk about her ..

2007 took away my comfort , gave me the deepest pain and the greatest sorrow of my whole life ..
I pray for 2008 to have the power to ease it ..... just a little bit.

Years go by ....

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that counts. It's the life in your years....

Don't give up ....

Not always fall of leaf,

nor ever Spring;Not endless night, yet not eternal day;

The saddest birds a season find to sing;

The roughest storm a calm may soon allay.

Thus, with succeeding turns God tempereth all,

That man may hope to rise, yet fear to fall.

- Robert Frost -

Mercy ...

Life never fails to surprise me …

On my way to work today, I had a lot on my mind .. busy days ahead , lots of reports I gotta prepare, couple of meetings I better attend ..

And as our new genius governor decided , the renewed pavements are freakishly high , as if old people and little kids don’t live in Alexandria in his age …
Anyway I was pretty much absent-minded and in high heels and on the next second I tripped and almost fell if it weren’t for that nice old lady who practically ran to hold me in her arms so I don’t fall to the ground.
How kind and caring she was when she did it ,simply got me puzzled …
And then she started to ask me several times if I was sure I’m ok and not hurt , and if I’m not dizzy or anything. And she – so motherly – asked me to stand still for a minuet before I keep on walking to the office to make sure I got breath back to normal.

Just when I started to believe life is so dark, and people are devils in disguise .. an occurrence like that crosses my way and everything changes …..
As little as it was it affected me big time …
A very sincere heartfelt act of kindness from a total stranger …
I guess it’s not entirely hopeless yet if we still have compassion in our hearts for one another ….

“ God mercy his slaves who are merciful “
- Prophet Mohammed PBUH -

Helping ...

" What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? "

- George Eliot -

Failure to launch ...

God !! ...... Life would be so much easier if I had the source code !!

And now ....

" Everything has been figured out, except how to live. "

- Jean Paul Sartre -

I miss you .....

When I think of all the times I was too busy with my little silly things to give you enough attention .. Just because I always thought we still have all the time in the world together..

I never thought the day would come when I wake up or come home and you’re not there ….
Or need to talk to you and you’re not able to listen anymore..
Break my good news to you, so you can give me your smile and prayers of all the happiness .. Or when I come home sad or mad and complaining and you comfort me with your great words and spirit ..

I can’t imagine that you won’t be there to witness my breakthroughs that you have always dreamt of ..

How stupid was I to miss all the time I could’ve spent with you, the million things I planned to ask and learn from you that I kept postponing coz I always thought we’ll have plenty of time later on ..

How cruel was I to just keep fidgeting around when you talk about your little daily events or old days memories and I’m just thinking “ that’s boring!! “

Now when I look back and think of all the things you did for me, all the rest you gave up so I can get mine, all the pretty things you made for just a smile from me .. a smile that I usually gave you with a “ but …. “
All the good you denied yourself to give me the very best of everything …

When I remember all that I can’t stop my running tears, and I can only pray to God to make it up to you and reward you with heaven and everlasting happiness, the happiness that I don’t know anyone who deserves it more than you do…

Mommy, I really miss you ……
I am sorry for everything, for everytime I made you sad or worried or was just too stuborn to understand that you only wanted the best for me ..

And I’m sorry to tell you that I’m no longer that strong person you were so proud of, I discovered that I was only powerful coz I had you .. Now I turned back into that little helpless baby you once took care of, but this time you’re not here for me ……

Note to self :

First Love is the triumph of Imagination over Intelligence ..
And the Second trial is the triumph of Hope over Experience ....

" Beware of the sea of Hopes "
- Prophet Mohamed ( PBUH ) -

Depth Of Love

Love is not just finding the right person
but creating the right relationship ...

It is not how much love we have in the beginning
but how much love we build and keep until the end ..

The sky is the limit …

Have you ever thought of the numerous possibilities of each decision we make, every step we take, every little choice .. ?
The countless “ what if “s that the future may hold as a result to every move we daily make … how our life could be upside down if we did / didn’t do so and so .. ?
It scares me sometimes .. Actually, most of the time to be honest ....


“ What can be predicted can be controlled “

Yeah, we can minimize the damage that a catastrophe could produce if we expected it upfront. That fact seems a little assuring if you know that you’re smart enough to understand what’s going on around you and see through your acquaintances, and strong enough to stand up for yourself ...
If you are , you can – to a certain degree – be sure that you won’t get hurt much when / if things get off the right track.

But who’s to know if the worst – or the best – is going to occur ? how do you know that what you foresee is the right version of the future ?
Well, that’s when qualities like ; intelligence, experience and intuition come in handy .. think really hard of your each and every choice coz no matter how little it is; it will have an impact on your life .. So you better be careful .... be hesitant – it’s still better than hasty – be as sure as you can be before you actually move ..

I know that it will give you a constant headache – believe me I’m there myself – but if you just think of what might happen if you didn’t watch out is immeasurably worse ..

" Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd "
- Voltaire -

Be an angel and forgive .. !!

Why the hell should I do that ????

Forgiving someone for a huge mistake doesn’t necessarily make you an angel, in most cases it would simply indicate that you’re a fool who deserves to be hurt allover again.
This is not cruelty people, it’s just that the mistakes we make revile our characters .. So they’re not always “ mistakes “ they’re usually “ patterns of life “ …
In other words; lying, quitting, weakness, negativity …. And so many other flaws; are not to be considered just mistakes that could be forgiven and put behind.
Let it go once and it will repeat over and over again.

And there is also one additional undeniable fact; after a while our old sufferings of / with someone due to their – so called - mistakes don’t seem that bad any more in our minds .. They mix up with the good moments that we lived then. And suddenly we start to feel the longing for those rare nice moments and we're so darned open to forget and forgive !
And “ hope “ that the problems won’t repeat … but they surely will and that’s a fact I hope I’m smart enough to keep in mind.

" The past always looks better than it actually was. It only seems pleasant now because it isn't here anymore "
- Peter Dunne -

Happily ever after ....

Two of my friends are now officially a couple ..
And I’m just crazily happy for them ..
Through the passing year, I watched both of them and listened to each of them – separately – and I always believed they can survive .. and I am so happy they did ..

They didn’t bend when the wind blew, they stood up and defended their love … and when the storm was over and the sun shone again they were still standing, smiling at each other .. and they earned their happiness ..
I’m so happy for you guys, and so proud of you .. I can’t even tell you how much ..

“ Love does not mean gazing at each other, but looking together in the same direction. “
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -

The pursuit of Happiness :

What ever happened to us?
Did you guys ever notice that nobody around fights for their dreams anymore? They give up so dame easily on things they are completely sure they want – and need – with all their hearts .. !!
And even though; they just let go on the first turn of the road, to the first obstacle they face ..
And what’s sadder is that those quitters are usually the best to assure you they’re fighters by nature , that they never give up or surrender .. bla, bla, bla ….

Well, for one; that should teach you that actions speak louder than words, and that those who act has no time or will to talk and vice versa ..
But don’t you agree it’s pathetic …?

What would be more worthy of fighting for than a dream you’ve always chased? Why would you give it up - without putting up a real fight - when you finally get it?
Just keep in mind that when you do so, you’ve only got yourself to blame for your weakness and shallowness … and for the dreams you – not only wasted for yourself – but maybe ruined for others as well ….
And that leading the rest of your life afterwards to be simply hollow and miserable is only your own creation ….

" Only dead fish go with the flow. However, you’re not a fish. "
- Jae Yoon -

Time heals all ...

Does time really heal wounds or is that just another cliché?
Well, the truth is scars never actually disappear, but they do get better with time, as days go by they gradually hurt less …. Sure it would still ache every once and a while, but the pain will certainly not be that severe burning it used to feel, it will change form, it will turn to a distant memory that taught you something once.
After all if it weren’t for trials and errors, how would we ever learn anything ?

A Wiseman once said : “ Be thankful for your mistakes; for no matter how bad they hurt, still they've taught you valuable lessons “

If you have a Dream

That's a very nice poem I like to share with you :

Don't wait for some distant day to come,

it may be too late before you've even begun.

Not everyone will agree with all you decide.

..............

Be true to yourself first and foremost.

The only important thing in life is what you do

with the time you spend here on earth.

.............

Don't be afraid to follow your desires,

they are not silly nor selfish.

Take the time and do what makes you feel alive.

..............

Leave your fears and regrets in the past,

for this is where they belong.

Don't cloud today with things that can't be undone.

................

You have no more control over yesterday or tomorrow,

than you do the raging of your passions.

Do not quiet these dreams nor quench your desires.

.............

For if you do, your journey is ended.

You have only today to begin anew and follow your dreams.

For in the end all we have are our memories.

..............

When the twilight comes to us, let there be,

No excuses, no explanations, no regrets!

The Wrong Ones !!

Here’s to reply those who think being with someone CONVENIENT is good enough : YOU’RE WRONG !! Well, I tried it myself guys and trust me, it turns out to be not as convenient as you thought at all !!

You could meet someone that you think you should give a chance to be fair and all, and most of all to shut those people up, I mean those who keep blabbing things like “ you’re too dame picky, you’ll end up alone and sorry for all the chances you wasted “ !!
Ok , I admit I got scared and decided to give it a shot, I compromised, and P.S. I don’t recommend it at all !!

When you think of being fair to people and be worried of stuff like karmic consequences, the possibility of feeling guilty later on or regret what you did or didn’t do … that’s all very good but keep in mind to be firstly fair to yourself, remember not to expect so much from people coz mostly you’ll get none of what you expected.
Don’t get me wrong ; compromise is a fair concept and it’s great when it's applied by both parties, I really believe it’s the essence of any successful relationship. All I’m saying is be very very careful with it, take a look on what you’re compromising OF and FOR. Make sure it's really worthwhile.

And let me assure you all, first impressions are always right and your first opinion of someone is always the true one.
That’s a rule that was always proven right in my life.
but stupidly I - repeatedly - choosed to ignore it for reasons like , " I gotta be fair " , " everyone deserves a chance "and " maybe I'm wrong , I'm not a dame lie detective anyway " !! "
But the truth is that was ALWAYS wrong, and my first conceptions were ALWAYS right ….. And you would think I’d know better by now than to ignore them !!

Anyway; the point is I already tried “ the wrong ones “ coz I failed to find the only right one, coz I really lost hope to do. And I came to believe that I do have to give up a little - or a lot - and be more realistic about it.
And when I did, I wasn’t happy, not even for a minute. All the time I had this feeling that I’m committing a big mistake.
I guess that was because I – deep down – was sure that my first speculation was real and that by ignoring it I’m doing something I’ll regret … which was proven right in the end.

I’m not complaining though, Experience is always good and I admit that I've learnt many new things, discovered new powers that I had no idea I possessed ... fresh new layers, and most of all found out that trusting my intuition can save lots of time, efforts and nerves which will definitely be burnt out in vain if I didn’t.

“ God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one .. so when we finally meet the right people, we should know how to be grateful. "

- Author unknown -